Neurodiverse Self-Sabotage: Why We Do It, How It Feels, and How to Break Free

Have you ever found yourself on the brink of success, only to procrastinate, pick a fight, or let the opportunity slip away?

For neurodivergent people, especially those with ADHD, this isn’t just a bad habit, it’s a complex pattern known as self-sabotage, and it’s far more common, and paradoxical, than you might think.

Why Do Neurodivergent People Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage in ADHD and other forms of neurodiversity is often misunderstood. It’s not laziness or a lack of willpower. Instead, it’s a deeply rooted, often unconscious, protection mechanism.

When you live with ADHD, emotional experiences can be intense and overwhelming. The fear of failure, rejection, or even success itself can trigger a need for control. Ironically, by undermining your own progress, you create a predictable outcome, a sense of control in a world that often feels chaotic.

Harold Meyer of the ADD Resource Center explains it well, “Self-sabotage is one of the few areas in life where you know you can be successful.” In other words, failing on your own terms feels safer than risking the pain of failing despite your best efforts.

Common triggers include:

• Fear of failure or not meeting expectations

• Imposter syndrome, “Who am I to succeed?”

• Overwhelm from high standards or too many responsibilities

• Past experiences of criticism or rejection

How Does Self-Sabotage Feel on the Inside?

For the neurodivergent individual, self-sabotage is rarely a conscious choice.

It might look like:

• Procrastination on important tasks, even when you care deeply about the outcome

• Perfectionism that paralyses you, if it can’t be perfect, why start at all?

• Over-committing to too many projects, ensuring burnout and missed deadlines

• Picking fights or withdrawing from relationships before big milestones

Internally, this cycle is exhausting. There’s a constant push-pull between wanting to succeed and fearing the consequences of success or failure. You might feel relief when you “control” the outcome by failing on your own terms, but it’s quickly replaced by guilt, frustration, and self-criticism.

How Does Self-Sabotage Look to Others?

To friends, family, or colleagues, these behaviours can seem baffling:

• “Why do you always leave things to the last minute?”

• “You’re so talented, why do you keep holding yourself back?”

• “Why do you start arguments right before something important?”

From the outside, self-sabotage can appear as laziness, lack of ambition, or even self-destructiveness. In reality, it’s a complex coping strategy. Many neurodivergent people are acutely aware of how their actions look to others, which only adds to the shame and isolation.

Breaking the Cycle: Alternative Behaviours

The good news is, self-sabotage isn’t a life sentence.

With the right support and strategies, you can break the cycle and build new, healthier habits.

1. Name the Pattern
   Start by recognising and naming your self-sabotaging behaviours. Journalling or talking with a coach can help you spot patterns and triggers.

2. Practise Self-Compassion
   Understand that self-sabotage is a symptom, not a character flaw. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend in your situation.

3. Reduce Task Complexity
   Break big goals into smaller, manageable steps. Use tools like checklists, timers, and reminders to keep yourself on track.

4. Use “Urge Surfing”
   When you feel the urge to procrastinate or self-sabotage, pause and “surf” the urge. Notice the feeling, let it rise and fall, and choose a healthier action, like taking a short walk, deep breathing, or reaching out to a support person.

5. Focus on Progress, Not Perfection
   Set realistic goals and celebrate small wins. Remember, done is better than perfect.

6. Build External Support
   Work with a coach, therapist, or trusted friend to create accountability and encouragement. Sometimes, just verbalising your fears can help defuse them.

How Willful Steps Coaching Can Help

At Willful Steps, we understand the unique challenges neurodivergent individuals face.

Our coaching is grounded in evidence-based strategies and deep empathy.

We help you:

• Identify and understand your self-sabotage triggers

• Create practical routines and habits tailored to your strengths

• Build self-awareness and resilience

• Develop new coping skills for stress, overwhelm, and emotional regulation

• Set and achieve meaningful goals, at your pace

What's Next?

Coaching isn’t about “fixing” you, it’s about empowering you to break free from old patterns, embrace your strengths, and create a life where you can thrive.

Are you ready to break the cycle of self-sabotage and unlock your potential?

Book an obligation free Introductory Consultation call with Willful Steps today and take your first step towards lasting change.

References

Meyer, H. R., ‘The Paradox of Self-Sabotage in ADHD’, The ADD Resource Center, 19 April 2025, https://www.addrc.org/the-paradox-of-self-sabotage-in-adhd/.

The ADDvocacy Project, ‘ADHD & Self-Sabotage: Why It Happens & How to Stop It’, 21 March 2025, https://www.theaddvocacyproject.com/blog/adhd-self-sabotage [accessed 4 July 2025].

Mutlu Gerçek, ‘Self-Sabotage and ADHD - Living with ADHD’, 7 December 2024, https://mutlugercek.com/en/self-sabotage-and-adhd/.

Pera, G., ‘ADHD and Self-Sabotage’, Psychology Today Australia, May 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/on-your-way-with-adhd/202505/adhd-and-self-sabotage.

Psychology Today, ‘How Stress and Self-Sabotage Interfere With ADHD Happiness’, 2022, https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/your-way-adhd/202205/how-stress-and-self-sabotage-interfere-adhd-happiness.

ADDitude Editors, ‘Why ADHD Masking Is a Form of Self-Sabotage’, ADDitude Magazine, 2024, https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-masking-signs-consequences-solutions/.