There’s a Scientific Reason Why You Feel Like a Bad Parent

Ever find yourself lying awake at night, replaying the day and wondering if you’re doing a terrible job as a parent? You’re definitely not alone. In fact, there’s solid science behind why so many good parents feel like they’re failing.

Let’s unpack what’s really going on and why those nagging doubts are more about the world we live in than your actual parenting skills.

The Science of Comparison

Let’s start with comparison. Humans are naturally wired to compare themselves to others, it’s how we learn and grow. But in the age of social media, this instinct can backfire. Every time you scroll through Instagram or Facebook, you’re hit with snapshots of other families’ best moments: smiling kids, home-cooked meals, and spotless living rooms. It’s easy to forget these are just the highlights, not the whole story.

Research shows that this constant comparison can leave parents feeling inadequate. Miller (2017) points out that seeing these idealised glimpses of family life makes us question our own efforts, even when we’re actually doing a great job.

So if you’re feeling like you’re not measuring up, you can blame your brain... and your newsfeed.

The “Superparent” Illusion

There’s another trap called the “superparent” myth. Society tells us that a good parent should be endlessly patient, always available, and able to juggle work, home, and kids without breaking a sweat. But science says otherwise. Donald Winnicott (child psychiatrist) introduced the idea of the “good enough parent” back in the 1960s. He found that children don’t need perfection, they need parents who are present and caring most of the time, not all of the time (Winnicott, 1965).

Trying to live up to impossible standards just sets you up for disappointment.

The occasional mistake or rough day isn’t a sign you’re a bad parent, it’s completely normal, and even healthy for your child’s development.

The Modern Parenting Paradox

Here’s another scientific twist: parenting has become a lot more intense over the years. Sociologists call it “intensive parenting”, the idea that you should be involved in every aspect of your child’s life, from homework to hobbies to emotional well-being. Hays (1996) found that this shift has actually made parenting more stressful, not less.

On top of that, there’s the concept of “parental determinism”, the belief that every little thing you do will shape your child’s entire future (Furedi, 2008).

No wonder so many parents feel anxious!

The pressure to get everything right can make even small decisions feel overwhelming.

Social Media and Parental Stress

Social media doesn’t just fuel comparison, it also ramps up stress. Chae (2015) found that mums who frequently compare themselves to others online experience more stress and lower self-esteem. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling, but the truth is, everyone has tough days. You just don’t see them in your feed.

The Weight of Responsibility

Science also tells us that parents naturally feel a huge sense of responsibility for their kids’ well-being. When something goes wrong, maybe your child is having trouble at school or with friends, it’s normal to wonder if you could have done something differently. But kids are their own people, with their own personalities and challenges.

No parent can control every outcome, and setbacks are part of growing up.

The Power of Self-Compassion

So, what’s the scientific solution?

Self-compassion.

Psychologist Kristin Neff (2011) has shown that being kind to yourself, especially when things go wrong, can actually make you a better parent. Recognising that everyone struggles, and that mistakes are part of the journey, helps take the pressure off.

Try reaching out to other parents, sharing your experiences, and focusing on what’s going well. Remember Winnicott’s “good enough parent”, your kids don’t need you to be perfect, they just need you to show up and do your best.

The Takeaway

If you’re feeling like a bad parent, science says you’re probably doing a lot better than you think. The combination of social comparison, unrealistic expectations, and the weight of responsibility can make even the best parents doubt themselves. But you don’t have to buy into the myth of perfection.

Cut yourself some slack, connect with others, and remember: being “good enough” really is good enough.

References

Chae, J. (2015) ‘Am I a Better Mother Than You? Media and 21st-Century Motherhood in the Context of the Social Comparison Theory’, Communication Research, 42(4), pp. 503–525.

Furedi, F. (2008) Paranoid Parenting: Why Ignoring the Experts May Be Best for Your Child. London: Continuum.

Hays, S. (1996) The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood. New Haven: Yale University Press.

Miller, T. (2017) Making Sense of Parenthood: Caring, Gender and Family Lives. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Neff, K. (2011) Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. London: Hodder & Stoughton.

Winnicott, D. W. (1965) The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. London: Hogarth Press.